I was inspired to start blogging recently after an intense breakdown in front of my longtime boyfriend's mother over whether I was happy or not. I decided to repair my broken self-image long before the exchange but never really committed to it. Just to make it all clear, it went a bit like this...
Mrs. W saw me crying in the car and asked sweetly if I was fine, I replied through tears and snot, "I'm fine". Clearly I wasn't; plus it was the third or fourth time that she had seen me suppressing moments of intense emotion. At first she left it alone but when she saw my boyfriend and I tiptoeing around one another, she gave us both a telling glare and I knew I was figured out.
It’s true that he and I had broken up the night before but it was deeper than a simple breakup; there were reasons hidden inside of me that kept me from opening up to him prior to our falling out. The issues that festered in me were destroying all of my personal relationships and many of my professional dealings as well. My darling boyfriend was caught up in a windstorm of my mess and he had always told me to fight for our relationship. But how was I going to “woman-up” and fight for us when I had not yet learned to fight for myself? It was as if she looked in my eyes and my fears and desires all poured out of the back of my head…
I already knew what was wrong but I was simply not ready to face it; lucky for me and my relationship, she had an approach that was both straight-forward and nurturing, like only an experienced mother could deliver. A few of my issues were as follows:
- I was bitter because I’ve packed on some extra pounds so I suffer from an acute case of “fat-brain”.
- My parents…I’ll leave it here for now
- I'm struggling to care for my 4 year old without much needed assistance from his father.
- I work extremely hard but I’m technically unemployed, so I’m always broke.
- I have really bad health and no insurance; doctors have stated that with fewer pounds and less stress would be nonexistent, but still it’s BAD!
- Lately my emotional status has been on hyper-drive since “Aunt Flow” came for an extra long stay.
- My boyfriend decided that my busy schedule and my defeatist attitude as of late did not equal success for us, so we broke everything off.
Oh the pain…or rather, I’m a pain to everyone else. When I write is all down it seems small but like most women in the world, I do "sweat the small stuff”, even though I know I shouldn’t. In turn, the small stuff has turned into a whirlwind of sick, sad, self-pity that I’m now on a mission to rectify. Nothing worth doing develops fully over night. After all, much of my negative thinking and bad habits took years to develop; but I'm taking 6 weeks to come up with a plan for success.
So here I am shoveling my heart out to the world in hopes of repairing my mind and my spirit and learning to love myself again. I’ll be embarking on a journey of self improvement; one filled with culture, music, healthy and fit living, and love. I hope that through my experiences the world will learn more of whom I am and I can learn more of the world.
There it is…six weeks of intense inner/outer beautification that with care and persistence will last a lifetime ♥
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