Good Intentions...FAILED!

I'm the kind of person that tries really hard to please the one I'm with. Whether I succeed or fail, it's important that my good intentions are noted and appreciated. Sure there are many good things that I bring to the table, but it's a sick sad acknowledgement that all the fuzzy warmth can be sent into frost-bitten exile by the fact that I'm quite possibly a narcoleptic.

According to Wikipedia, Narcolepsy is a chronic sleep disorder that is characterized by excessive daytime sleepiness (EDS). Basically a person is extremely tired and falls asleep at inappropriate times, such as while at work or school, or in my case, in the middle of a perfectly awesome evening spending time with a significant other. A narcoleptic will most probably have trouble sleeping at night and have a weird daytime sleep pattern and simply think its insomnia. While there are several symptoms that characterize narcolepsy, Helpguide.org states that "two of the most common narcolepsy symptoms (excessive daytime sleepiness and cataplexy) seem to be connected to emotional state. People [like me] have these symptoms when they are experiencing intense emotions, such as laughter, sadness, surprise, or frustration."

Scientifically, narcoleptics lack the chemical hypocretin (also called orexin), which is released in the brain to activate arousal and regulate sleep. According to Tina de Benedictis, Ph.D of Healthguide.org, the neurons that secrete hypocretin (Hcrt cells) are low and eliminate the ability to control alertness. Doctors are working on a treatment and while there are support groups, waiting for said treatment could cost me my relationship.

So there it is; I'm always on an emotional rollercoaster with no brakes and my body is calling it quits. I don't want to be considered to be a jerk who has no compassion for the feelings of others; but what can I do when I can't control my mid-convo sleep habits. Seriously, it’s embarrassing and gives the impression that I just don't care enough to stay awake. Do I go to the doctor and get a letter of diagnosis? Do I place the letter on my wall like a psych doctor for all to see as a disclaimer? Would it matter that I had good intentions to keep my eyes open? Considering I always fall asleep, no matter what time, it seems that I have no interest at all in the topic of conversation or the activity. SO NOT TRUE, BTW! I only know that I'm sending the wrong message in my relationship.

Truth be told, I've always been exceptionally sleepy. Wow, I say it like it's a gift or mutation; like some X-Men character: "Narco Girl"...falls asleep with a single nod...

I'm generally fighting the fatigue so I'm completely unaware that I'm asleep until I awake hours later to discover that I'm alone and he's pissed. It's unfortunate, but I'm working on it. I've tried coffee and taking naps through the day in order to stay up late and have quality time to spend; however, I only end up jittery and cranky- no state to be in on a date. The worse thing is that I've even fallen asleep while driving… many times. I am convinced that I have a guardian angel watching over me. Too bad my angel doesn't wake me up when I'm watching "Wanted" with my boyfriend and my face is in the popcorn bowl.

I guess I'm doomed until a non-zombie forming supplement is developed but until then I hope my mate knows that my intentions dwell in the most alert places. If I could pry my eyes open with tape or toothpicks I would. Ok, maybe I wouldn't go that far...but I would at least stay awake to hear his funny stories and be engaged until we mutually agree to part.

This is Narco Girl...signing out ♥